Tools

[ssculptor]

Tools Defined

 

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching

flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in

the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-

painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where

nothing could get to it.

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere

under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes finger-

prints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it

takes you to say "DANG!"

 

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the

creation of blood-blisters.

 

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert

minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle ... It transforms human energy into a crooked,

unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its

course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off

bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to

transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various

flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting

the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a

bearing race.

 

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch

wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground

after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack

handle firmly under the bumper.

 

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops

to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit

into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead

of the outside edge.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength

of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under

lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans while splashing

oil on your shirt; can also be used -- as the name implies -- to

strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used

to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. Also

useful for butchering your palms.

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the $50 metal piece surrounding that

clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent

part.

 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, nowadays the hammer

is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts

adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

 

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly

well on contents such as seats, liquids in plastic bottles, collector

magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially

useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

 

DIRTY ROTTEN TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you

grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DIRTY ROTTEN TOOL"

t the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that

you will need.

 

Hope you found this informative.

Feel free to add to this list.

 

Enjoy,

Stephen

[Daywalker]

[LSP_K2]

X-Acto knife: Originally designed as a surgical tool, and oftentimes still used for that purpose, slicing fingers, thumbs, and the occasional artery, wide open.

[Guest Rigor]

ive' been called a tool

[Guest Rigor]

speaking of tool's my dauther is starting to date

[KOTR]

speaking of tool's my dauther is starting to date

 

So you've been promoted from human ATM to chauffeur?

[Guest Rigor]

So you've been promoted from human ATM to chauffeur?

 

that's why i build the old revell kit's

Edited February 9, 2012 by LSP_Kevin
Fixed quoting issues

[phasephantomphixer]

I would add that the secondary job of the flat tipped screwdriver is

a pry bar, and when used in conjunction with a hammer, a chisel.

[J.C.]

I thoroughly enjoyed that. Thank you.

[oletcherfred]

"Tools" was clearly written by someone with first-hand(maybe a sore one) experience.

 

I oughtta know...

[LSP_Ron]

I enjoyed that also Stephen, thanks for posting

 

Ron

[Guest]

OK, this is GREAT ! Being a maint. mechanic ( machinery)I have first hand(and last hand) knowledge of all these, and more. All your answers are great also. Really enjoyed it!And Rigor, my friend, been there,done that, got the T shirt!.....Harv( still laughing)

[Derek B]

can't argue with any of that

 

One more for the list:

 

Cynoacrylate ('Super glue'): A one-part single compound ahdesive with a variety of uses, although most of those tend to be gluing together unwanted parts (especially effective on human skin). It also produces a very realistic frost effect when you do not want it to do so on clear tranparencies and other plastics.

 

Derek

[KOTR]

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops

to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit

into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead

of the outside edge.

 

 

 

Actually, that happened to me once, and only once!

 

Since then, I used to add so much allowance that there was no way I would waste any material, no matter if I cut inside, outside or on the line. Okay, working down your piece to final measurements needed some additional time, and sometimes a second cut with the band saw. And your waste material can still serve as a base for smaller parts...

 

How come I had a reputation of not being too efficient?

 

BTW, you forgot to mention the "arc welder": By definition designed to connect two pieces of metal by means of electricity, yet more useful to temporarily blind you by inadvertenly knocking the welding electrode against your workpiece (loves to stick to the same, after blinding you). Also very useful to gain global and local skin burns. Global, because you can't find those stupid jacket and gloves again or lack the time to deal with those items, local, because hot pieces of slag tend to fly anywhere, where you or your coworkers are, when removed. Prefered landing zones are your face or inside your collar.